its been so long since ive written my feelings.  today I say "what did I do?"  theres so much to be thankful for but it is all overshadowed by what im not.  maybe its just where im at, I never dreamed id be feeling like this at 52 yrs old, you just grow up thinking life will throw you its curve balls and you will miss some and some you will hit so dead on they will vaporize somehow leaving life just average and moving forward. that's what I want, just average, I don't think that's too much to ask.  but then maybe it is.
I feel so scattered all the time, pulled one way by this and another by that and another by this and another by that and and and and and ..... never being able to be a whole full thinking person able to take care of one thing at a time, too many things at once to concentrate long enough to accomplish one thing that will make a difference. 
I am ALL. I am the worker who cares to do a great not good job, I am the friend that wants to help  and hide my needs, I am the mom who wants to be loved and respected but cant ever seem to do "it" good enough seems one is always mad at me or disappointed in me. I am the daughter who cares more than the others and trys to help but not hurt their feelings or disappoint them, but id do.  I am a wife who worries too much about her husbands happiness and wellness, I am not stupid but have done stupid things for so long now that I cant even fix them, ive let him feel its ok to do nothing, to not spend any quality time with me, to never go anywhere with me, to not live life with me, just kiss me good bye when one of us leaves, never to kiss me any other time (only occasionaly), and that sleeping next to me with his hand on my stomach is "touching me" and that should be enough for me.  Asking him flat out to please touch me gets the response "I AM touching you! I lay right here beside you and put my hand on you!" I just cry in the dark.  I love him, but I cant say why.  he can make me laugh, I think I just live for those moments, he has done so much for me thru these years, he has given me a daughter that I love more than I could ever express, he writes on my tub that I am his rock, she is mine. she keeps me going and makes me not run away (not that I ever could, but we all feel that way sometimes) he has been a  good provider, he has provided a beautiful home for us, he used to randomly dance with me, he used to grab me and kiss me, used to slap my butt, used to grab my boobs, used to tell me I was beautiful (im not, I know that, but it felt good to hear from the man you love)we used to be great lovers, but medical problems have gotten in the way, when they were remedied someone else reaped the bennifits I so long waited for, now he gets help but doesn't remember to use it, I don't think it really matters.  I am no longer a woman, just a person to solve problems or "take care of" things and people, make money, just provide for the needs. that is all, that's it, no more.
Time for me to get me back, but how? how do I be a satisfied happy real woman ? theres only one way I know and that's just not me, I said my vows, and I remember them, I have so much temptation, yet I don't honestly feel tempted, theres only one man that I really want, and it hurts SO MUCH.